I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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