Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
