the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
