dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
