grandma shit on top of the toilet
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
