I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
