You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
