I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
