I'm going to jail i love you
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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