The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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