Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
