Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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