stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
how drunk are you?
Several
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
