remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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