upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
