god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
