Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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