So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
