MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
