you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
