Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
