I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
