I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
