I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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