you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
