nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
