FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He has the fingertips of a God
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
