if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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