So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
