It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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