so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
whose parrot is this?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
