Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
