The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The struggles of a small town man whore
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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