ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
