dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
