my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
