she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
