just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
