when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
