We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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