Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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