My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
