We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
