I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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