GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
