Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
barbara walters just said penis...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
