Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
