i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
