Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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