Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
