The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
