It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
