Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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