Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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