Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
