2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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